What to do with sick

I have been sick this week. Not just sick but fever, can't-lift-my-head-off-the-pillow, sleep-around-the-clock sick. For a week. On Thursday, day five, I was afraid I didn't have the strength to walk my Bichon around the block and once I started, I counted the houses I had to pass until I returned to my front door. Three more houses, two more, one.

Yesterday, Saturday, I taught my Nia class. I walked through the routine and I still gasped for breath. And I thought I was much better. Last night, I ran another fever.

What I noticed, besides the obvious symptoms, is how my boss and my professor reacted to me not showing up to work or class. And then, what I made that mean.

First though, I do have to say that in my past I have made a moral imperative out of going to work, no matter what. I have taught Nia classes with pneumonia. For the majority of my life, I appointed myself Martyr of the Perfect Attendance Award. And as a public school teacher, I always had to weigh the time and effort of preparing for a sub with "can I just get through the day?" My principal wasn't one to condone giving a sub a video for the kids to watch; he expected "learning to continue." So, 99 percent of the time, I went in, put on the video that wasn't OK for a sub to show and rested my head on my desk.

This illness though, I wouldn't have made it to school. And I didn't make it to work. My boss, on the second day I called in, instructed me to go to Urgent Care and get antibiotics. Now, I don't have health insurance and was pretty sure, from my research on the current circulating respiratory infection, that I had a virus. I didn't go. On the third day, he didn't answer his phone or return my call.

My professor seemed to assume I was lying.

Now, I know it is inconvenient when an employee is sick and there's no sub to fill in. And I'm sure my professor has heard every excuse from students, so both their reactions are understandable. But no one died. The publication didn't collapse because of the three days I didn't write articles. Wayne State University busied itself with bomb threats and didn't notice my absence. But what I'm most pleased about is that I don't feel guilty. Nor responsible. I was sick. I took care of myself before I took care of other people.

This isn't an easy lesson for me but it's one I'm learning. To resist other's judgements and do what is right for me and for my health. To respect my body's messages when it needs sleep and care. To not override my instincts about what is best for me.

I feel better today. I can think. And I have some catching up to do. But I'll go to school tomorrow and the paper on Tuesday and life will continue.